To me it seems that blogger lives can be unrealistic at times. I mean, how many posts have I written about conflict that goes on between me and Matt? Or nights that I've spent laying in the bathroom thinking I'm going to vomit because I'm so stressed out? Or how about the posts where I complain about other people who drive me nuts and inspire the non-Christian-like-attitude to come out of me?
You probably don't see those posts for a reason. They're uglier.
The truth, if you must know, is that I am not always smiling. Not always wearing some nice outfit. Not always totally happy with my husband. And unfortunately, not always choosing God over the world.
I feel like instead of just posting a picture of myself with a coffee-cup in hand and a Jesus-book in lap today, I ought to spill some real feelings that are going on.
Sometimes I'm a very jealous person, especially when it comes to my voice. I am a singer for those of you who don't know this yet. I don't post about it often because.... the voice is such a fragile part of my identity and self-confidence. Any blow to my voice and my world comes crumbling down for like a week. If I don't feel like a good enough singer, I often times don't feel like a good enough human being. It's silly, but I know you other vocalists (and instrumentalists and artists and athletes) can relate.
I would be lying if I said that I'm not upset at all that I'm not singing at an upcoming wedding. I would be lying if I said I am not personally offended that they didn't ask. And I certainly would be lying if I said I don't feel completely belittled and unwanted. And in the midst of all this hurt, I hear somewhere in the back of my head this little, positive, encouraging voice that says, "Natalie, I designed your voice so that you could sing to Me."
I know, I know. But, God, wouldn't it be so much fun and awesome and just.... be the right thing for me to be singing at this wedding?
It's not about you.
Oh it's so hard to hear and so hard to accept. But it's true. I'll probably remain frustrated for a good part of the day at several people (and for that, husband, I am sorry in advance. Sorry for rushing out the door this morning without even saying goodbye. Sorry for getting so frustrated with you. I am sorry, I just can't feel it yet) and I wish that wasn't how I worked. By the Grace of God, someday I will be quicker to forgive and quicker to forget. I need to be humbled in a bad way.