Blog. I guess.
The blog is so funny - it's this tiny piece of my life that you all get to read and be updated on. But sometimes I feel like it's so far removed from what I do and who I am. So then a blog post like this pops up on a particularly downer day when I feel discouraged, unsupported, and not wanted.
Ever feel that way? Maybe the feeling emerged in a group-of-friends setting and it was just awkward for you. Or maybe you felt this way in your work place. Or maybe even from your family.
For me it's school. I have been fighting all semester to get this double major to go through, and was just told by department faculty that they declined my petition to do it. Now, there are several reasons for this and I think that one of them is valid. But the others I don't think are fair. I also feel like nobody is vouching for me, I am not supported by the faculty, and they don't necessarily want to me to be a major.
All those things together make me feel like a failure. Like I did something to make them feel "eh" about me, like it doesn't matter if I get the degree I want or not.
One of the reasons I have been denied permission to take a particular class next semester is because they think my school load will be too much. Well guess what. That's why someone invented A through F: if it is too hard, I'll fail. Why can't I be the one to decide how much is too much for me?
I also failed to pass my proficiency in English Contemporary music at my performance this past Tuesday. This was especially devastating news, since I thought it was one of the better performances I have ever given. The voice faculty all passed me, but the two non-voice faculty members who were present did not. My heart was absolutely crushed in my voice lesson today when I found out and made this crush-ed-ness apparent by crying for 30 minutes straight. Thank goodness voice teachers are all used to break downs.
Even though I am discouraged and feeling left behind in a sense, I can only suppose that doors close for a reason. Maybe I'm not supposed to have a music major for reasons that make zero sense to me at this time. Maybe I'm supposed to learn to respect people I strongly dislike. Maybe I'm supposed to learn to work just a little bit harder. I don't know. Whatever the lesson is, PTL for a God who knows the plans He has for us, and if we pray to Him and seek after Him with our whole hearts, He will answer us (Jeremiah 29:11-12).