I've always been a leader. The girl to volunteer to sit at the front of the raft. The girl to run for President of Chamber Choir as a sophmore. The section leader. The spin class instructor. The first to jump in the water off the cliff.
On top of this, I'm strong willed and career-oriented.
Which is funny, because God has called me to be a wife - a helper - to submit to and respect my husband.
How can all of these qualities work together?? How does God expect me to lay down my life and become a chef, maid, and mom???
Somehow, my husband embraced the fact that this family has two leaders. Not in a way that makes him feel powerless or disrespected - untrusted or inadequate. But in a way that makes me feel supported while still keeping me and my crazy ideas in check. I let him lead and make decisions, he listens to me and tries to follow the desires of my heart. So, what does it look like to be a leader at heart but a servant in marriage?
I can lead girls. I can write to you all on this blog about my faith, and hopefully by the grace of God inspire you to turn to Him yourself. That is something that I dearly hope and pray that I can lead in.
I can lead a (first family) and career-oriented life before I'm a mom. If I want to, I can get a big girl job. I can make milestones. I can succeed and do things I've always wanted to do before my real big girl job comes along.
I can lead at work. By example, I can be the hardest worker. Be the happiest employee that the customers talk to. I can show great gratitude for my job and take pride in it. Barista-ing isn't the most competitively paid job out there, but I can still lead.
I can lead worship. And I do. Hopefully people will see that my musical ability is a GIFT and only that. HE is the reason I sing, the reason I praise, the reason I play keys. God can use me to lead others to a time of utmost reverence of Him. This... is beautiful.
I can follow and trust my husband's decision concerning where we should live. Yes, I want to live in hostels across the world for 3 months at a time and work for non-profit organizations... but I made a decision. A life-long committed decision. A decision sealed with a kiss and God's promises. I am married to the man of my dreams, and I trust him.
I can serve by cleaning the house, cooking food for a man who works his tail off, and loving the heck out of him.
I can let go of the fact that I never got to have the college experience that most people have. I either lived with my parents or with my husband, and sometimes my envy of girls living in a house with no heat and barely any food bubbles up inside and makes itself at home. I grow resentful. I become jealous. I think of how it could be. These thoughts are wrong. Someday I will look back and say, "I got to have an experience that NOBODY else got to have. I did my homework with my husband by my side. I lived in a house WITH a heater. I took trips because I was able to. "
I know it is possible to be both the ways God designed me - a leader and a helper. But I mean...1.5 years isn't that long. I'm still getting the hang of this.
Thank you Lord for your patience with me, and for Matthew. The greatest gift you could have given me.