It's not always perfect.

To me it seems that blogger lives can be unrealistic at times.  I mean, how many posts have I written about conflict that goes on between me and Matt?  Or nights that I've spent laying in the bathroom thinking I'm going to vomit because I'm so stressed out?  Or how about the posts where I complain about other people who drive me nuts and inspire the non-Christian-like-attitude to come out of me?  

You probably don't see those posts for a reason.  They're uglier.

The truth, if you must know, is that I am not always smiling.  Not always wearing some nice outfit.  Not always totally happy with my husband.  And unfortunately, not always choosing God over the world. 

I feel like instead of just posting a picture of myself with a coffee-cup in hand and a Jesus-book in lap today, I ought to spill some real feelings that are going on.

Sometimes I'm a very jealous person, especially when it comes to my voice.  I am a singer for those of you who don't know this yet.  I don't post about it often because.... the voice is such a fragile part of my identity and self-confidence.  Any blow to my voice and my world comes crumbling down for like a week.  If I don't feel like a good enough singer, I often times don't feel like a good enough human being.  It's silly, but I know you other vocalists (and instrumentalists and artists and athletes) can relate.  

I would be lying if I said that I'm not upset at all that I'm not singing at an upcoming wedding.  I would be lying if I said I am not personally offended that they didn't ask.  And I certainly would be lying if I said I don't feel completely belittled and unwanted.  And in the midst of all this hurt, I hear somewhere in the back of my head this little, positive, encouraging voice that says, "Natalie, I designed your voice so that you could sing to Me."

I know, I know.  But, God, wouldn't it be so much fun and awesome and just.... be the right thing for me to be singing at this wedding?

It's not about you.

Oh it's so hard to hear and so hard to accept.  But it's true.  I'll probably remain frustrated for a good part of the day at several people (and for that, husband, I am sorry in advance.  Sorry for rushing out the door this morning without even saying goodbye.  Sorry for getting so frustrated with you.  I am sorry, I just can't feel it yet) and I wish that wasn't how I worked.  By the Grace of God, someday I will be quicker to forgive and quicker to forget.  I need to be humbled in a bad way. 
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  1. The imperfect posts are the ones that are most attractive to me! Thanks for sharing the raw, real stuff. How are you finding Crazy Love so far??

    1. Kelsey~
      I am loving it. It is challenging me deeply on a day to day basis and it is spot on as far as scripture is concerned. I love it and am just soaking it all up!! Have you read it??

  2. wow-that was so humbling and I can totally relate...thanks for sharing the things that are hardest to share, it's so encouraging to know that other Christian women struggle with the day-to-day.

  3. Have recently found your blog. I love how honest & genuine you are. You're right, we mainly post about all the happy magical wonderful things in our lives. It is refreshing to come to your blog and see both sides of the story-and something that I hope I portray in my blog as well. Because I'll be honest, some days my nail polish is chipped & I don't always listen to Christian radio. So, I guess that means I can't post what polish I'm wearing or an OOTD since I'm wearing sweatpants. Oooh, life ;) Anyway, great post :)

  4. This was really great! I love how real it was. Almost like you were looking me in the eye and saying it, because that's how well you put your emotion into it. Good Job! I hope you feel better soon :)

    P.S. I'm new to your blog and I really love it! Keep up the great work!

  5. First of all, Crazy Love is the best. Second, sometimes the fun of blogging is the escape, the pretty happy place we can create. But, of course, that's not truly how life always is! Thanks for being real-I know I can relate!

    p.s. when is your husband working in Seattle? You best be joining him!

  6. oh my goodness, i know exactly what you mean with the voice thing! i was raised by 2 musicians, so music is a huge part of my identity. it's funny you say the wedding thing too, because once sam was asked to sing in a wedding and the couple asked another girl from our church to sing with him, and i thought, hello, why didn't they ask me?! so humbling, but yes, it's important to remember that God is the one giving out the talent and we need to glorify Him with it, not ourselves. anyway...i just wanted to say i know exactly how you're feeling!

  7. natalie, i love your ability to be so open and honest here. i agree wholeheartedly, our blogger lives can be so unrealistic. this is a wonderful post. (and i LOVE crazy love, it's a fantastic book.)

  8. I adore your honesty. absolutely adore. and I bet you have one heck of a voice. and trust me ... we all could post a little more honesty once in a while.